Ever have one of those days when you feel lost?....

One of those days when all you want to do is climb into a hole and pull the hole in after you? Yeah, I'm having one of those days.

Maybe I've been listening to too much electronic depression music ala novus magnificat, but this day feels like it will go on forever. I want to sleep, but the sooner I sleep, the sooner I have to get up and repeat. It will be like a horrible extension of today. Weekends are usually like that.

At work I'm able to focus my attention on unimportant matters. I don't have to worry about school... or bills.... or whether my house is clean.... homework... animals... laundry... grocery shopping.... and the list goes on ad nauseam.

Sometimes all I want to do is sit in the dark and listen to music. Part of me really longs for my previous years of loneliness. I miss being left with only my thoughts to keep me company. There is something so comforting about blissful silence.

For the first time since I said my shahada, I actually considered going to get a drink. I make a pretty lousy Muslim. I haven't prayed in days.
I feel so disjointed and lost. Now I sit here listening to Debussy's Clair de Lune, and I wonder what is it all for? I feel so at home in the masjid during prayers, and I feel a sense of community and welcome and warmth, but then I come home and it goes back to the same feeling of being out of place. Jason drifts farther away, and I begin to wonder why I bother making the effort to maintain something that I really don't even have anymore. I try to make myself feel something, and I find myself at a loss. I say the words "I love you" and they feel empty.

As I write this, I'm on his computer... a computer he's never really home to use. Today is his day off, and he's gone. He hates it here. He's angry. Every day he makes it a point (when I see him) to express his anger or irritation or just general unhappiness to me. I feed off his negativity, but I can't be like that, so I end up just neutralizing my emotion until I feel nothing at all.

I feel as if I'm in suspended animation. So I stay up until 3 am every night chain smoking and wasting time on things that really aren't that important. I want my life to mean something. The one thing I found, Islam, has become stale in the wake of this nothingness I'm feeling. I wonder if I will always feel like this (or to be more precise, if I will always feel nothing) and find myself at a loss for the future.

And the really startling thing is, I don't know if I care.