:: musings vers. 2.0 ::
I'm not used to being alone. I'm always with someone....at home it's either Jason or Mom...I'm around people all day at work. When I am alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I usually try to find someone to be with...to pass the time.
I used to spend alot of time alone when I was younger. I remember walking to the park and writing for hours...or drawing. What I remember most was desperately wanting to find someone so I wouldn't have to be alone.
Mom worked..went to school. Jason and Michael were always away. Michael went to college, and Jason wanted to get away. He wanted to work, and be on his own. He wanted to have a good job, a wife, and a family.
I'm not really sure what Michael wanted. He was always on a different level than everyone else. I always envied him and desire to explore himself, but then I realized he really didn't know who he was. Even now, I still don't think he really knows. He was always throwing himself into whatever caught his fancy at the time.
Jason was always the opposite. He always seemed to make himself. He didn't really appear to take much time to figure out who he was or what he really wanted to do. He just wanted to be successful and grown up.
I remember looking up to both of my brothers...and I think I still do. They both have something that I want to emmulate. Michael anxious to learn, and he's always looking for a quickening of knowledge, and maybe he's found it. I've always wanted to be able to talk to him on his level...but I've always fallen short.
Jason was always so self-sufficient. He could do anything. He wanted to get a car, a house, a well-paying job. He did it. He didn't need anyone to dictate how he should go about doing it. Everything he had, he made himself. Noone helped him. I always related a little better to Jason. He was probably my best friend when I was little.
I remember we used to play astronauts in my room. He always included me in whatever he did.
The other day he told me he was proud of me for what I've done with my life.
When I stop to think about myself, I can't really find my place. My friend pointed out the other day that I have a talent for seeing things in other people, but when I have to look at myself...I'm blind.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only what I am because of the people around me. My Jason pointed out that I change around the people around me. When I stop to think about who I am, I find that I take everything from someone close to me.
I project what I want people to see....and I really wonder why I do that.
I try to take stock of what I do know about myself that is genuinely mine, and usually find myself at a loss.
I used to spend alot of time alone when I was younger. I remember walking to the park and writing for hours...or drawing. What I remember most was desperately wanting to find someone so I wouldn't have to be alone.
Mom worked..went to school. Jason and Michael were always away. Michael went to college, and Jason wanted to get away. He wanted to work, and be on his own. He wanted to have a good job, a wife, and a family.
I'm not really sure what Michael wanted. He was always on a different level than everyone else. I always envied him and desire to explore himself, but then I realized he really didn't know who he was. Even now, I still don't think he really knows. He was always throwing himself into whatever caught his fancy at the time.
Jason was always the opposite. He always seemed to make himself. He didn't really appear to take much time to figure out who he was or what he really wanted to do. He just wanted to be successful and grown up.
I remember looking up to both of my brothers...and I think I still do. They both have something that I want to emmulate. Michael anxious to learn, and he's always looking for a quickening of knowledge, and maybe he's found it. I've always wanted to be able to talk to him on his level...but I've always fallen short.
Jason was always so self-sufficient. He could do anything. He wanted to get a car, a house, a well-paying job. He did it. He didn't need anyone to dictate how he should go about doing it. Everything he had, he made himself. Noone helped him. I always related a little better to Jason. He was probably my best friend when I was little.
I remember we used to play astronauts in my room. He always included me in whatever he did.
The other day he told me he was proud of me for what I've done with my life.
When I stop to think about myself, I can't really find my place. My friend pointed out the other day that I have a talent for seeing things in other people, but when I have to look at myself...I'm blind.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only what I am because of the people around me. My Jason pointed out that I change around the people around me. When I stop to think about who I am, I find that I take everything from someone close to me.
I project what I want people to see....and I really wonder why I do that.
I try to take stock of what I do know about myself that is genuinely mine, and usually find myself at a loss.
posted by Liz at 4/09/2004 09:34:00 PM
